New Years Resolution Fail 2009

So, I realize now as I prepare to construct this years set of lovely resolutions that last year I only succeeded in completing one of my 7 resolutions (See http://spontaneouscalculations.blogspot.com/2009/01/resolutions.html and http://spontaneouscalculations.blogspot.com/2009/01/just-say-no.html the only one I completed is #3)

The following post will list my resolutions which I have to complete tonight because I'm headed to NYC for the next few days. Wish me luck...

Can't Stop

I wish I could channel my frustration into intellectual energy and write my paper. Fuck.

Calculated Spontaneity

Patrick used my philosophy for a journal entry for a college class. His teacher thought it was so good she read it to the class.

This is what he sent to me over skype:

Going through one’s life, there are many times in which a crucial decision must be made, and times when decisions that will probably have no greater meaning occur as well. Things ranging from where to go to college to “do I really want that bottle of water?” are part of our daily life. Personally, I believe that decision making shouldn’t always be when you are fully informed. Part of life is taking risks, and if you’re always fully informed, the risks are already laid out for you. Choices should be a mixture between the spontaneous and the informed. One should know the facts to a certain point, and then dive in head first to their decision. This way, our choices are more exciting, more suspenseful. This sort of “calculated spontaneity” makes life far more interesting, allowing us to enjoy the fruits of our decision, or learn a lesson for the future.

10:20 PM

You are my muse

This weekend.

The silence is overwhelming.

The spirit of the school now, and for the past 102 years holds us together.

The complaints, moans and groans of the students have been paused.

To be cliche on purpose: we're all in this together.

Every time a tragedy strikes Poly, the school feels closer than ever.

I'm the last one to say Poly is perfect, and I often am quick to express my hatred of much of the system.

But one thing I know is that I love the Poly community.

Jackson Allan, I've spoken to you maybe 3 times in my entire life, but I've prayed so hard and used all of my 11:11 wishes on you. Please recover soon. We're all pulling for you.

Gabriel Blanco, I know this is a hard time for you. I love you, Gabriel. You can always talk to me and I will listen, don't feel like you have to hide your emotions. Ever since I first met you, you've been an important part of my life and always will be. While you can run away from Pasadena, you can't run away from your problems. Your friends can help you, please, please let us at least listen to you. I can't stand to imagine that you're hurting, you're like a brother to me, or at least a close cousin.

Tragedy struck my school this weekend, Jackson's critical condition rocked the whole school, while Gabriel's sudden disappearance touched only some of us. It's hard to keep moving when all of a sudden the world stops then attempts to restart before you're ready.

Duet

You’ve heard me sing, sing my heart out

Sing til I couldn’t sing anymore

I’ve struggled to find what life’s about

And I know now I’m not sure.

Is it possible to need somebody so much more than in the past?

That when I’m singing solo, I don’t know if I can last

I wanna sing a duet a duet

So I know somebody’s here with me

A duet a duet

With you

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Harmonizing til the stars shine brighter

Singin’ a duet

With you.

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Never want to be a one hit wonder

Solo’s are done here’s a duet

For you.

La la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la.

My voice controls what the world knows

About who I am inside

This might just be the way it goes

But the way I feel about you I can’t hide

Is it possible to need somebody so much more than in the past?

That when I’m singing solo, I don’t know if I can last

I wanna sing a duet a duet

So I know somebody’s here with me

A duet a duet

With you

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Harmonizing til the stars shine brighter

Singin’ a duet

With you.

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Never want to be a one hit wonder

Solo’s are done here’s a duet

For you.

La la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la.

Sang those sad songs til I couldn’t cry no more

Wonderin’ if love was something worth fightin’ for

Love tends to hurt us so

But right now this is the only thing I know.

I wanna sing a duet a duet

So I know somebody’s here with me

A duet a duet

With you

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Harmonizing til the stars shine brighter

Singin’ a duet

With you.

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Never want to be a one hit wonder

Solo’s are done here’s a duet

For you.

La la la la la la la la la

(As a duet)

La la la la la la la la.

I wanna sing a duet a duet

So I know somebody’s here with me

A duet a duet

With you

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Harmonizing til the stars shine brighter

Singin’ a duet

With you.

I wanna sing a duet a duet

Never want to be a one hit wonder

Solo’s are done here’s a duet

For you.

La la la la la la la la.

Glee Pseudoephedrine

I was watching Wednesday night's episode of Glee thinking, "Wow! Look how well they perform when they take that drug! It can't possibly be dangerous if you only take it before performances...." Luckily, I'm pretty educated about the consequences of taking over-the-counter drugs, but if even I was seriously considering it after watching that episode, I wonder whether some less wise teenagers will actually try it.

This summer, I went to a choir camp up in Idyllwild, CA and I got a really bad cough. My parents brought me Thermaflu when they came up for one of our concerts and that has pseudoephedrine. That shit fucked me up. Just ask my roommates. When I took it I started getting really crazy once it got into my system and then eventually I would black out for 5-10 minutes and be even crazier until I suddenly passed out. I really think Glee was stupid not to put some consequences in other than having the stupid cheer coach be assigned to co-direct Glee.

Just my humble opinion....

Nobel Peace Prize

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Barack won the Nobel Peace Prize?
I'm a huge Obama fan, but the Nobel? Hmmmm I'm not sure if I buy that.
I mean, yeah, he's a great guy and he's doing the best he can in the presidency, but I really don't think he deserves the Nobel prize just for, basically, his campaign of hope.

He hasn't actually changed the world... yet...

I don't know, I think this my be premature on their part.

I mean, what, are they going to give it to him again after he really does do something great?

Also, the American domination of the Nobel Prizes this year.... really?

Rose-Colored Glasses

My new song "Rose-Colored Glasses" leaning a bit more towards the folk/indie side of the spectrum more than my usual songs :)

Wandered into a thrift store today

Saw a collection of various things over where they expect people to pay

Sifted through the junk and found the needle in the hay

Glasses of a shade of rose to light up those shades of grey.

Bought myself a pair of rose colored glasses

To try to see the world the way you see me

Day by day you're by my side and as time passes

This new found view helps me see what you see

You know I've never been in love before.

Thought about somebody every minute of every day and more

My past has set me up to believe that love is nothing but lore

You came around and showed me: there's a lot more in store.

Bought myself a pair of rose colored glasses

To try to see the world the way you see me

Day by day you're by my side and as time passes

This new found view helps me see what you see

I miss you

I love you

You're beautiful.

All these things about me.

Make me crazy

I need you

The perfect girl

That's the only way you see.

Bought myself a pair of rose colored glasses

To try to see the world the way you see me

Day by day you're by my side and as time passes

This new found view helps me see what you see

Can I ever make you proud?

Every single day of my life I try as hard as I possibly can to be successful and do well in everything I do, yet nothing is ever good enough. My parents seem to think I'm worthless and that I'll never amount to anything. I have so many strong aspirations and ambitions, but they can't seem to understand how motivated I really am. Seriously? My dad is a nice guy, sure, but he is unemployed and can't even be a successful homemaker in our house! My mother sits at a desk all day being a great, organized lawyer but I don't want to live my life in a 9-5. They think they are helping me get motivated when they really are making me want to just fuck up my life just to show them how wrong they are. Criticizing my every move is not going to help me improve myself. The only reason I'm still trying is because I want to go to the college I want and go on to have the life I want so I don't end up like them! Sitting at home studying is not the most important thing in the world, and I'm going to do it anyways and they don't need to give me shit about it every day of my life! I say I want to compose and be a songwriter and learn languages and see the world. All I get from that is that we don't have money for me to go to Argentina, "I haven't ever heard any of your songs." You want to know why? Because you'll hate them. You don't know who I am at all, you lost me a long, long time ago back in eighth grade when my life went to shit and all you can say is "I TOLD YOU SO" Thanks a whole fucking lot mom. And stop drinking you fucking alcoholic. And to my dad. You're a great person. Make something of your life. I can take care of myself. Keep an eye on Cat so she doesn't get fucked up like me.

FST

So this is a general note to self for when I'm deciding how to spend my next summer.

Foothill Summer Theatre is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can go there and be myself and people don't judge me, they accept me for who I am and because of that I'm able to grow so much as an actor and a person. Every single person I met there from my closest friends such as: Emma, Sean, Megan, Hallie, to people I never became close with: AJ, Allison, Emily. I'm going to remember all of them forever. I admit, I am pretty overly confident about my skills as a performer. Going into this show I thought I deserved a lead and that they would be crazy not to give me one. I did get a lead, but my performance at the end of the 6 weeks was so much better than I ever could have possibly done in June because of the nurturing artistic directors, talented costars, and generally supportive atmosphere. THIS GROUP IS UNBELIEVABLE. I'm sure someday I'll find something else that surpasses this experience, but as of now I am shocked and astonished by how much this program exceeded my already high expectations. I am so happy with all the effort that the board, production staff, parent volunteers make to make this possible for us to do, and my only regret is that I hadn't done it before. When I make plans next summer, I will try so hard to be sure I'm able to stay in this program. It changed my life.

This isn't happening...

SO, I wouldn't post this on here unless it was getting really bad. I'm scared. Don't worry, its nothing that will alarm you. Just something that stems from pain, sleepless nights, sadness, loneliness, helplessness. Oh, sorry, guess that sounds bad. I'm talking about love. No, don't get all excited, I'm not in love. But I'm just nervous. I haven't actually liked someone so much for a while, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I like hookups. I like meaningless, ego-boosting fun, not emotional attachments. But at this point I can't stop thinking about this guy. I don't know what to do. He is not my type. Like DEFINITELY NOT. But he's perfect. I mean maybe just because I haven't seen him in a while, but at this point I'm not sure. I mean, he's the only person I want to talk to. I've been out of school for a few weeks now, and there's no one I miss more. That's why I'm scared of relationships. Good relationships stem from pain and I don't know if I want to deal with it. Not that this will turn into relationship. It can't. I have to much self control for that. I have control over my life and everything in it. Just like Brian said. I don't know. I just have had this on my mind for a while and I don't know what to think. I'm tired of relating to songs...

Youtube

Checkout the sidebar --->

I put lots of my songs on Youtube because I'm auditioning to open a concert at Levitt Pavilion this summer. Comment Comment Comment! (Preferably on my songs themselves rather than my singing, thanks :))

It's love

If I’m a cloud, you’re my silver lining

Without you, my world would be dark and grey

But if this all is true

It’s me that’s hurting you

If I just leave, it’s you alone

The skies would be a bright blue.

 

If I’m a song, you’re my sweet harmony

Without you, my melody is just plain

But if this all is true

It’s me that’s hurting you

If I just leave, your work is done

New songs can end the show.

 

Why do you stay around me?

When I just bring you down

Why do I let you dream about me?

When you should be running this town

 

It’s love

Between a man and a woman

It’s love

Between friends

It’s love

Between a cat and the cat lady

It’s love

Between forces that never end.

If I’m skating, you’re the ice I move on

Without you, I’d fall into the cold

But if this all is true

It’s me that’s hurting you

If I just leave, you’re strong and full

Undisturbed you’ll melt on your own.

 

If I’m a guitar, you’re my amplifier

Without you, my music can’t be heard

But if this all is true

It’s me that’s hurting you

If I just leave, another’ll sound

From a talent much more than my own.

 

Why do you stay around me?

When I just bring you down

Why do I let you dream about me?

When you should be running this town

 

It’s love

Between a man and a woman

It’s love

Between friends

It’s love

Between a cat and the cat lady

It’s love

Between forces that never end.

 

It’s love.

It’s what gives stories a happy ending

It’s love.

It’s what let’s us stop pretending

The answer why

A reason to try

It’s love

 

It’s love

Between a man and a woman

It’s love

Between friends

It’s love

Between a cat and the cat lady

It’s love

Between forces that never end.

 

Western Civ

So I took my Western Civilization Final and I wrote an essay on post war settlements in the 19th and 20th centuries and I really liked it so I'll post it here next week when I get it back. I know, I'm a nerd but as you can see I'm really into International Relations...

<3

Goals

So last night I made a list of some of my goals in life. They obviously won't all be achieved, but just so I have an idea of what I am planning to do with my life. Here it is:

I want to be a songwriter who writes for singers and bands in many different genres, mostly pop, country and rock.

I want to be the lyricist in a dynamic duo songwriting pair for like Disney/musical theatre.

I want to write the book of a musical.

I want to go to every continent except Antarctica, which honestly doesn't really appeal to me.

I want to learn a whole bunch of languages and go on tour (or just organize one) performing songs I translated so people can hear the popular American songs in their language and actually connect with them as well as learn English better.

If that didn't happen, or even if it did, I would like to travel to orphanages around the world and bring lots of popular music to kids and teach them how to sing the songs in their language or even teach them an instrument. 

I also want to do that so I can find my perfect child to adopt.

I want to work in international relations, advising the government on how to improve policies with other countries based on my travels.

I want to have an article published in a major newspaper.

I want to write a novel that at least 500,000 people read.

I want to help people learn English so they can help preserve their culture.

I want to learn about the millions of different cultures in the world and languages.

Languages I want to know:

English

Spanish

Italian

German

French

Arabic

Mandarin

Japanese

Portuguese

Swahili

Russian

Hebrew

Vietnamese

Korean

Afrikaans

Cantonese

hmm

I should probably get going to school. I am way to easily distracted, ooo look Brittney Spears quiz!!

Say

Honestly

Tell me to speak honestly

Handle me

Can you ever handle me?

I didn't know

That anyone could ever be this way

It's time to show

Say what you say

You say you wanna fly

I say I wanna fall

You say you wanna turn around

I say I want it all

You say you wanna stay

I say I wannna go

You say you want to grab a hold

I say I want to know 

Carefully

Tell me to live carefully

Boring me

There can be a boring me?

I didn't know

That anyone could ever be this way

It's time to show

Say what you say

You say you wanna fly

I say I wanna fall

You say you wanna turn around

I say I want it all

You say you wanna stay

I say I wannna go

You say you want to grab a hold

I say I want to know

What you say, don't mean a thing

If I can't help myself not to scream

Need to hear the sound of my voice ring

Grasp a hold of my life and live my dream

You say you wanna fly

I say I wanna fall

You say you wanna turn around

I say I want it all

You say you wanna stay

I say I wannna go

You say you want to grab a hold

I say I want to know

1999

This song describes my mood right now. I know it's 2009, but this is timeless:

1999 by Prince

I was dreamin' when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray

But when I woke up this mornin'
Coulda sworn it was judgment day

The sky was all purple
There were people runnin' everywhere

Tryin' 2 run from the destruction
U know I didn't even care

'Cuz they say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999

I was dreamin' when I wrote this
So sue me if I go 2 fast

But life is just a party
And parties weren't meant 2 last

War is all around us
My mind says prepare 2 fight

So if I gotta die
I'm gonna listen 2 my body tonight

Yeah, they say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999
Yeah

Lemme tell ya somethin'
If U didn't come 2 party
Don't bother knockin' on my door
I got a lion in my pocket
And baby he's ready 2 roar

Yeah, everybody's got a bomb
We could all die any day
But before I'll let that happen
I'll dance my life away

They say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
We're runnin' outta time
So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999)

Say it 1 more time
Two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
No, no
So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999)

Alright, it's 1999
You say it, 1999
1999
1999 don't stop, don't stop, say it 1 more time

Two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
Yeah, Yeah
So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999)

Yeah, 1999
Don'tcha wanna go
Don'tcha wanna go
We could all die any day
I don't wanna die
I'd rather dance

Nervous

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm sure. I'm sure that I have to do it tomorrow. I've been sure of it for a week, so why am I so scared? I guess I don't really want to lose him, I mean, I feel like it could really work if I wasn't completely lost in this other world. I really, really need this to go as well as humanly possible, but I feel like it will be a huge shock and therefore not go well at all.

HELP ME

Not so sure

So 10 hours ago I was completely convinced that it would happen, but now I'm not so sure. High school sucks. And I hate boys, did I mention that? All this relationship bull shit just sets people up to get hurt and doesn't do anyone any good except in the few special cases where it works out.

New song.

Eyes open, eye can't see

I'm choking, I can't breathe

Sound and scented reminders

Everything I touch

Is you.

Take step back, don't move on

Just relax, just a song

And I'm lost in my own world

No one knows that it

Is you.

Do I seem like I'm living a lie?

Cuz I know every time that I try

I fall... I keep falling

I'm hiding how I feel

I'm hiding who I am

To try to stick with the norm

Try to force myself to understand

While they all work on their acceptance

While they bend for peoples differences

But my simple struggle with love

Where's the love the love the love for me

Oppression, will exist

We do it to ourselves

Everything that I do now

It is all a lie

Not you.

 

Touch my heart, don't let go

You're the first, lost control

Never thought that I'd feel this

Not this way, not now

Not you.

Do I seem like I'm living a lie?

Cuz I know every time that I try

I fall... I keep falling

I'm hiding how I feel

I'm hiding who I am

To try to stick with the norm

Try to force myself to understand

While they all work on their acceptance

While they bend for peoples differences

But my simple struggle with love

Where's the love the love the love for me

I found just what I wanted

But I was still afraid

I would lose you, break my heart

But instead the feeling deepens

It still stays

I can't let go, no

I can't let go.

Eyes open, eye can't see

I'm choking, I can't breathe

Sound and scented reminders

Everything I touch

Is you.

Sick I can post from my phone now!!!

Love

The first time I had a blog, I struggled to define what love was as I have never been "in love". Lately, however, I've realized why I'm always so resistant to proclaiming myself to be "in love". When you love someone, whether it be as a friend, family member, pet, or significant other, you allow yourself to feel the strongest of all human emotions. I have heard people say that hate is the strongest emotion, not love, but all other emotions are based on love. I'm a big fan of House, and on a recent infamous episode with a shocking death Taub says to House "you can't feel that much guilt without love" and these words rung so true in my mind. I rarely feel guilty because, as many of my friends would agree, I have no conscience to speak of, yet, the times I have felt a twinge of guilt were closely connected to love. For example, when I say something mean to my dad that I know really hurt him, I notice it and wish I could take it back because I love him so much. Similarly, recently I've realized how closely sadness and love are connected. It has been said that it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, and I tend to notice the losses. Today was the closing of my school musical and two of my favorite people in the world, Kevin and Eli, are in the pit band playing synth and flute, respectively. I was sitting on the floor of the pit handcuffed, of course, to Eli's chair with her lovely chrome from-the-sex-shop-on-colorado handcuffs and watching them play. Now these two are two of the most inspirational musicians to me and they along with some of the amazing singers in the show (Daniel, Alex, Jessica) I view with the most respect a person can possibly have for a human being only two years older than themselves. Kevin and Eli are phenomenal musicians and as I sat there watching them I realized that I wouldn't ever be able to do that again and how much I would miss them when they went off to college. I began to tear up and had to leave so I wouldn't cry in front of them outside of the designated post-show sob sesh. I hurried into a back corner of the costume room and sobbed. Now I could go on and on about each of them and how much they mean to me, but I will save that for another time. I love them so much. Kevin in a *sigh* unattainable crush/I don't care I can still love him as a friend kind of way and Eli in a you are my mentor of that class/dedicated fern patio remainders/I could be stuck on a desert island with you forever and never get tired of you because I love you kind of way. 

But, on to why this gave me a realization about love. As I said before, love is linked to all of our emotions. Love is why we cry from happiness and from emotional pain. Love is why we feel guilty beyond believe and green with envy. Love is why we unlock our handcuffs, crawl into a closet, bawl our eyes out, compose ourselves, go to a cast party, talk about how much you will miss the seniors, hug you're motivational acting teacher who only had a temporary job at the school the boy you love eternally as a friend yet suffer temporarily incurable heartache for as more than that, and return to the stage of bawling your eyes out while wondering whether the love and admiration you feel for them is worth the suffering of their leaving. Then, I realize how selfish love really is. Love is selfish because you want to have someone completely to yourself. Love is selfish because when you lose it, you bawl your eyes out wishing it would spend more time with you. Love is selfish because every day you reassure yourself that you can't actually feel it to save yourself from the inevitable pain.

On the way home, I Won't Say I'm In Love from Hercules came up on Eli's disney CD and I felt like I could call it my song looking at many aspects of my life if I had the strength to call what I have felt love.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment,

I guess I've already won that

No man is worth the aggravation

That's ancient history been there, done that.

My rotten judgement (Hercules) was Kevin. The time I already won it was in 8th grade when I liked Aubrey (a story for another time). I say, no, I won't put myself through that, its not worth it I'll just date someone else. Ancient history with Aubrey, Sam, and George!

But then my inner muses sing:

You keep on denying,

Who you are and how you're feeling

Baby we're not buying,

Hun we say you hit the ceiling

Face it like a grown up

When you gonna own up

That you got got got it bad.

These muses take many forms (Bebe, Renee, Eli, Mimi and Gigi if they were more perceptive of who they should refer to). When am I gonna own up? I don't know, but if I don't soon I'm gonna miss out on the benefits and get stuck with the sadness and regrets that comes with lost love. I don't think my heart has learned its lesson, it feels so good when I start out. My head is screaming get a grip girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out (cue popstar/gospel wailing). I'm not a grown up. My heart hasn't learned its lesson yet. Hopefully soon it will!

cheater

Call me a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.

Call me a liar, liar pants on fire.

You could get kicked out of school for failing

You could get kicked out of school if you misbehave

But the one thing that will get you gone for sure

Is if you're a cheater cheater cheater cheater

Don't know if I'm cheating on you

Cuz you wouldn't ever do it to me

Catch it just like the flu

And you'll start to be

Lying lying and

trying trying and

Doin' everything you can

To keep your past in the past.

You're friends get pissed if you cheat in poker

You're friends get pissed if you rig you blackjack hand

So if you cheat just like that, going behind their back

Labelled a cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater

Don't know if I'm cheating on you

Cuz you wouldn't ever do it to me

Catch it just like the flu

And you'll start to be

Lying, lying and

Trying, trying and

Doin' everything you can

To keep your past in the past

The first time I was called a cheater

The first time I really started to lie

I didn't learn my lesson, couldn't ask for a blessin'

Always a cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater

Don't know if I'm cheating on you

Cuz you wouldn't ever do it to me

Catch it just like the flu

And you'll start to be

Lying, lying and

Trying, trying and

Doin' everything you can

To keep your past in the past

You say you'd never cheat on your schoolwork

You'd never cheat in Candyland

But you're man ain't around

How damn convinient

So you make it your dark secret

Who really knows if you can keep it

You start lying lying

and trying trying and

Doin' everything you can

To hide the fact that

You're a cheater cheater cheater cheater

And keep your past in the past

Facebook

1 hour before I return to Facebook! Yay! I'll post tomorrow after I've returned haha.

Professional Behavior

So today I was really surprised and proud that I was able to distinguish what my musical director calls "professional behavior." When she asked me to step in for one of my friends in a cameo part, I was really happy to be given an opportunity to perform whether in class or in the show, but I knew that proper restraint would not involve me gossiping about why my friend needed an understudy or anything of the kind. When I heard my friends doing that I asked them to stop, and I think that today really helped me realize my growth in the theatre by taking the high road. This is the second time in my "career" that I have stepped in as an understudy, and I realize how important it is to be modest about this role. While the theatre world may be cutthroat, high school is the only time we get to make mistakes and learn from them, so I know that I am really thankful for this experience as all the cast members are so when I do a show in college, for example, I will not appear inexperienced and make unprofessional conduct mistakes.

The List

So today we restarted "The List," a purely aesthetic view of what couples we want to see in our high school. The List began in 8th grade where we were summoned to the principals office after "hurting people with the list." Today, I hurt Renee with the list, basically papercutting her face. I think I'm cursed. Anyways, I created a creative notebook for myself which is called Lost and Found constructed from a middle schooler's notebook I discovered in the Lost & Found, ripped the cover off of and added my own. So far it contains only the list but I hope to grace it with the presence of my creative attempts at writing.

Lost & Found

I lost it forever

And found something new

I know I said never

But now I can't tell what's true

What may be more permanent

Isn't what really counts

Like performing a sacrament

To be blessed the right amounts

But a

hop

skip

jump

Can lead in the right direction

And a

tendu

prep

passe

spot, spot

One glance without focus and I'm left without protection

There's a lot that I've lost

And just enough that I've found

That I can still feel the cost

Without turning around.

Kevin Murrmurr

This is my post about my freshman friend Kevin.

He needs to exist, and by that I mean be mentioned in my blog.

Reasons Kevin is cool:

- He is a master debater

- He has rock hard abs

- He dated Elly

- He is making lots of money for our prom through In&Out

- He used to think I lived in Ms. Williams office

- He is really good at cube runner

- He once asked: "Once you take someone's virginity, do you get to keep it for life?"

Yes, Kevin. I'm sure you'll have girls... hell, even men, lining up who want to eternally share their virginity with you.

Feels like the First time

Ok, so I'm aware what I'm about to say might make me sound like a slut, but I'm saying it in the best of all possible ways (Candide reference *cough* *cough*). Don't you feel like when you're someone else's first time you get to have a new first time for yourself? I'm not just talking about sex, of course, but like even a first kiss. The nervousness that surrounds it and the smile that slowly breaks it is so surreal in that no matter how good or bad your first kiss was, this other person who you now want to be with more than your first is experiencing this for the first time and you want them to remember it forever, and, in some cases, you will too. I guess it's the same idea as when my little sister sees a movie and loves it and immediately wants to watch it with someone else to see their reaction. When my daughter (if I have kids, fill in the blank niece maybe) asks me about my first kiss, I'm not going to disappoint her. I mean, my first kiss was good but I wasn't like overwhelmingly happy about being with this guy. So, maybe I'll tell her the story of this 'first kiss':

I can't really pin point a day that we were "together." I guess it must have been the night at one of our mutual friend's house where we held hands for the third time while watching "Happy Gillmore" and "I am Legend." The following week was spring break, but when we returned suddenly I would be talking to friends and he'd come up behind me to give me a hug and it was really, really sweet. I tried to spend as much time as I possibly could with him, but when we were sitting together in a way that normally I would just start making out with the guy (you know, holding hands, his arm around me, sitting on a bench on the fern patio, one of my favorite places on the campus) I think I was the one avoiding it. I was nervous! Me! I wanted it to be perfect. The next day I was determined to be more open to the idea. We went to the park across the street and sat together and looked at the trees and flowers. I swear to you, in those two days there were about 30 different moments that would have been good for a kiss, but, of course, good things come to those who wait (see the morals I threw in!). The wind wasn't helping the situation, I didn't want him to get a mouthful of hair. So I kept pulling it back hoping the right moment would come each time I did. And it did. Our lips touched. A brief pause, then I lean back into him, longer this time. I pull back and smile. I was so focused on containing myself and not at all accidentally pointing out the extreme gap in experience which I don't care about but I'm always worried the other person will. Anyways, we went back to school and after a long time of wasting time we ended up on the same bench we had been on the day before. It happened again. Once on the bench and, again, standing up a minute after. 

Many of my friends say this will be good for me. It's been a long time since I've been in  an actual relationship and the phrase "committed relationship" is a foreign concept in my vocabulary. I've cheated on 5 people. I seem not to learn from my mistakes but I want this to work so bad that maybe I can work through whatever it is that is keeping my conscience quiet and be happy, for real this time.

Focus

I cannot focus. I have a paper due for history in 11.5 hours and I have only written one page. I am unbelievably giddy and happy with my new status with a certain boy, and am excited to go to school tomorrow even though it is diversity day, which no one knows what its gonna be like. 

But, I'm happy! Isn't that the only thing that matters? I'll get my paper done. Happiness is key.

:)

New Years Resolution Fail

So I thought that the first resolution I would break would be Just Say No, but it turned out that I managed to start multitasking again without having to say yes. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm back in December again, but with a lot more potential for people getting hurt because of me. Maybe he was right about what he said. I'm not sure. All I know is that I really need to figure this all out before it all disappears again like it did last time. The only other thing I know is that I don't want to. Whatever happens, I hope I am forgiven, but more so, I hope I can forgive myself. But, then again, forgiveness is supposed to come when the one being forgiven will actually try not to repeat their mistakes...

Not again...

I guess this is one of my posts in rant/rave form rather than poetry or song lyrics. 

Why on earth do I like one of my good friends? Why can't I just control myself and focus on school, music, and responsibility? I get so caught up in my boy-craziness that has developed into a desperate search for someone I can trust and hold on to. 

Wanted:

Someone who makes me laugh about the silliest things.

Someone who is consistently sweet.

Someone who gives good hugs.

Someone who holds my hand when I want to.

Someone who puts his arm around me and claim me as his own.

Someone who doesn't care what other people say as long as we're happy.

Someone who loves me for who I am.

Someone who doesn't make me make all the effort.

Someone who doesn't fear rejection from me because they know that I'll give them a chance.

The list could go on, but I'll stop here, after just this last note -

Someone who can see that they can be this person for me.

Fuck You.

Fuck You.

I actually cared about something

And you have to go and try to make me feel stupid.

Why can't you just appreciate the miracle

And stop trying to feel superior?

To-Do

-Chem Post - Lab

-Antigone Essay Outline

-Chem Practice Test

-Spanish Vocab Quizlet

-Study for Math Test

-Figure out when I'm taking the Math Test

-Civ Reading

-Chem Pre-Lab

-Civ Outline

-Study English Vocab

:

:

:

:

-Fall in Love

Where am I?

See them walking, walking, walking

Down this road ahead.

Hear them talking, talking, talking

Heading round the bend.

I dunno where this is going....

That song.

I wrote a coupla songs.

You might like to hear about them.

But my computer doesn't like copying and pasting onto blogger very much.

Too bad

Guess I'll have to take my lyrical genius elsewhere.

Like a dark corner

Where maybe someone will find me

And show me the way home.

Hello

Hello.

I am the one you've been missing.

The one every story tells you you need.

I'm right here.

Take my hand.

It may not feel right at first,

But it is.

I know it is.

Make me remember

Everything I gave away.

Reach into the embers

And hope that we don't have to stay.

Ow

Hereditary Neuropathy with Liability to Pressure Palsies

Sounds so complicated

Yet is so, so simple.

It took my soul from me

Holds it just out of reach, telling me to give it time.

So stupid.

Yet I can't keep my mind off it.

Never effected before

Now it feels like this nightmare

The strangest nightmare

Will never end.

Chem Project

Too bad our chemistry project wasn't about website creation...

by me: hunterisatool.blogspot.com

by hunter: janesucks.webs.com

When Life Gives You Lemons...

So basically, everything I had hoped for turned against me for the good ol' New Year.

1) The guy I liked "psuedo" broke up with me.

2) The guy who liked me decided he didn't like me.

3) My neurological disorder started acting up again.

4) Because of #3 I can't play cello.

5) I was cut from this year's musical.

6) My basketball team is no longer undefeated.

7) I got a B- on my spanish final.

8) The guy I started to like lives 2,813 miles away.

9) Another guy I started to like likes one of my good friends.

10) I still have yet to get my driver's license.

But, it'll be okay. I can get my grades up and join swim team.

I described myself today:

I was a swimmer, then emo, then artsy. Now I'm trying to mix the swimmer and artsy without picking the emo back up...

musical auditions

Shit, man, I really want to be a musical theater star. It's like my life's ambition. Or, my past two year's ambition. I don't think anyone quite understands how unbelievably ecstatic I would be if I got a part in my school musical. I mean, now that I've lost cello for the time being, that is really my only other outlet that I really love. I will be happy being in ensemble, but having even a 10 second solo would make me the happiest anyone could ever see me.

Definitely

Most commonly misspelled word for me is definitely. I always spell it wrong! I usually say "def" even in real life, but when I try to type it I always write "definetly" every time. Luckily, my macbook underlines the misspelled words and I can change it but, wow, I feel stupid every time.

you broke my heart

My sister gave calculated spontaneity a whole new meaning today. After our mother-daughter Valentine's tea party, she and her friends Ori and Brooke wanted to take a valentine over to the house of a boy in their grade. I walked them over, and when they got there, Cat called him and said, "hey! come outside and look at the sky!" and he did. Then they were acting all silly like 13-yr-olds do, and she gave him a Valentine with a broken heart sticker which read "you broke my heart." he was so confused, and I still don't think he understands why they did it in the first place. On the way back, we said hi to their math teacher, which was also weird too since they don' t really talk. I mostly talked to her since I do that a lot, but they were so awkward. But that was definitely calculated spontaneity...

Musical Theater

Ok, so I have a confession to make. I am a complete musical theater freak. 

In 8th grade, they have an art elective for musical theater which culminates in a showcase of the best songs that you work on over the semester. I just went to my sister's tonight and basically, its the time where Poly kids either hate musical theater or get bitten by the musical theater bug and can't get way without a fight. My sister and I would be the latter. She isn't nearly as bad as me though, I was sobbing after the final show, but, then again, I was a complete emotional wreck in the 8th grade... and now for that matter...

But now, Broadway is my dream. I want to be (the first person maybe?) a broadway performer, director, and writer/composer. 

I wish life was a musical. 

I am still me

Some things make me turn around

and remember those days

Then I feel the past is gone

But the memories stay

They say to break things off quickly

It'll reduce the pain

So I let it all fly away

And when the sun shines, all I see is rain

I want the feeling to return

I need to feel my soul burn

I can't cry, too numb

So I just try, too dumb

Despite what I'm saying,

what I try to make new

I am still me

and the truth is still true

I forget that this ended

Since only one thing has changed

But the road I'm on turned

My heart rearranged

I didn't think I'd care

When I said good bye.

But I can't stop this yearning

No matter how hard I try.

I want this feeling to return

I need to feel my soul burn

I can't cry, too numb

So I just try, too dumb

Despite what I'm saying,

what I try to make new

I am still me

and the truth is still true.

I tell myself, I need to just move on

Brace my heart, please stand strong

When I hear that name

Oh I can't hear nothing.

Because nothing's the same

I thought there was something...

I want this feeling to return

I need to feel my soul burn

I can't cry, too numb

So I just try, too dumb

Despite what I'm saying

what I try to make new

I am still me

and the truth is still true.

obamar

I made up a new verb while taking my spanish final after the inauguration this morning

Obamar: to Obama, do things that Obama would do. Conjugated regularly.

President Obama habia obamado antes de todos. El define obamar.

My Mind

I often wonder about how the mind is organized. Of course, they've done many studies and you can take online quizzes to find out if you are left or right brained and such, but that doesn't really matter to me. What makes people so unique? Why do my thoughts flow as poetry one day, and random prose the next? Why do I spontaneously belt songs that don't even exist yet, or hum more refined concertos and symphonies that my head creates, but is never written? How can I be so ambitious in my dreams and goals, yet can't focus on simple things like school work? What defines something as "something Jane would do?"

Maybe I should hook some wires up to my brain, see what's going on in there.

Bumper Stickers I <3

To Do

1) Make a To-Do list

p

r

o

c

r

a

s

t

i

n

a

t

e

2) Do the things listed to do

3) Put off number 2

p

r

o

c

r

a

s

t

i

n

a

t

e

4) Where did the day go?

how i feel

this is what i just told one of my best friends jeffrey:

it makes me feel really lonely and shit when all other people talk about is their significant others or who they want to be their significant other and i just cant seem to get it together and i get all this shit for being experienced but i dont want to be experienced

id give all that up

if i could just have someone

to walk to class with

to hug when im sad

to hold my hand

to talk to until i fall asleep at night.

thanks Jeffrey, Trevor and Brittani.... I wish i could fully appreciate you.

magic

i want to feel the magic

the breeze flying through my hair

i know it might end up tragic

but i really don't seem to care

i wish you understood me

try to picture what's in my mind

i need to find out what you see

that made you think that i'm that kind

but i don't really need this

i should stop telling myself to go

but all of you i really miss

just end this, the answer is no!

let the magic come to you

your life can be magic too.

Fly

There it goes.

I watch it fly away

But I don't cry.

They all were routing for me

But I knew I couldn't fly

That way.

You may have thought that I should stay

But it might have been to much

It's for the best, don't contradict me.

Somebody once said

Once you turn the corner

You can't turn back.

I turned back,

Flew against the wind

And now I'm here again.

Just Say No!

OK. I don't like who I've become. So here is an amendment to my resolutions.

+ Just Say No. 

I realized that it has been a long time since I've had a real boyfriend. I've become accustomed to friends with benefits of the sort, and I think that it has negatively affected me. So from now on, no action below the waste for either party unless we are officially dating. Standards are key. I'm keeping my pants on.

Resolutions?

Here are my resolutions... I'm not sure yet whether I'm resolved to stick with them yet:

1) stop multitasking. this has multiple meanings, so i guess i'm multitasking by putting multiple tasks in this resolution. basically i need to stop multitasking means i need to stop being such a whore. for example, leading on other guys just to have them for potential rebound purposes when you're head over heels for another one is not ok. you end up hearing rumors about yourself that you don't want to hear...

this also applies to school work. facebook + essays = disaster. end of story.

2) lie more. now i know that sounds bad, but ever since a certain friend of mine betrayed me 2 years ago i have been really anti-lie. but i realize now that i just need to keep my personal life to myself and be a bit more like she who shall not be named and maybe one day everything will come back to haunt me, but screw it. i need an element of mystery. plus, i tell a few people everything and others bits of things and it ends up getting blown out of proportion and i dont really wanna deal with it.

3) fall in love. its cliche. but i kinda want to and i never have. its not a resolution cuz then it would be forced. of course, i have a certain person in mind but if i dont then i dont and its cool. teen love is stupid anyways... well... as far as i know...

4) get my goddam splits! i had my right for like a day and then i lost it again :( perseverance is

 key!

5) just the usual, grades, yea, cool.

6) don't get so goddam depressed. its bad for me. it makes my heart hurt. like physically. it could be bad...

Thats it thats all thats all there is.