My mom.

I don't know if I've ever posted about my mother on here before, but I would like to now since I feel like my relationship with her is a big part of who I am today.

I'm not going to spill any family secrets or stories, good or bad. This is the internet and while I know most people don't read this I'm not comfortable saying anything that isn't mostly about me.

It's difficult to have a mom who doesn't understand you. One who doesn't truly know who you are. My mom understands what makes me unspeakably angry, but not what will make me smile for hours. For every meaningful mother-daughter conversation we have, there are 5 meaningful fights.

I completely understand how difficult, frustrating, and stressful her life has been and continues to be. But she is the reason that I'm afraid to have children. I love kids, don't get me wrong. In fact, I'm one of those girls who sees toddler/baby/preschooler and swoons. The reason why I love the idea of being a mom is the unconditional love I see that these little kids have for their parents. Yet, I know that I will be focused on my career, like my mom, and won't have enough time for my kids. And what if my husband isn't willing to stay at home, or what if I never get married? My children will spend their lives, like me, wishing that their mother prioritized them more.

My mom and I have different priorities. I want to be a prominent person in the music industry. I want to be the woman that you must impress. The woman with the power to crush your dreams, or catapult you to fame and fortune. I want to find the best in people's art and share wonderful music with the world. I get an adrenaline rush not only from being on stage but also from planning a concert and watching the people I helped succeed. My mom has a 9-5 job, cares about what the society women of NCL think of her, and wants me to look nice and get into a college she can pay for.

I got yelled at today during dinner for rehearsing for an audition, doing PR for a band I'm interning for, and writing music instead of studying for my SAT subject tests I'm retaking to attempt to surpass the elusive 700 mark in order to get into my dream school. Then she goes on to complain about how I forgot to give her a message and therefore she will not be able to pay for my dream school. If I keep screwing up like this, I'll end up at PCC.

I am a motivated human being. I am 17 years old and I already know what I want to do with my life. I found what my dream is and I'm not afraid to go after it. Home is supposed to be the safe, nurturing place, but mine just tells me that I'll never make it because I'm just not good enough.


I am.


Dear Mom,

The dreams I have now that you don't think I'll achieve since I have the work ethic of my father when it comes to studying for standardized tests and school assignments I think are pointless will come true. In 10 years time I will be making it in the music industry, helping other people realize their dreams. Don't worry. I forgive you for not believing in me.

Love, Daughter.