Western Civ

So I took my Western Civilization Final and I wrote an essay on post war settlements in the 19th and 20th centuries and I really liked it so I'll post it here next week when I get it back. I know, I'm a nerd but as you can see I'm really into International Relations...

<3

Goals

So last night I made a list of some of my goals in life. They obviously won't all be achieved, but just so I have an idea of what I am planning to do with my life. Here it is:

I want to be a songwriter who writes for singers and bands in many different genres, mostly pop, country and rock.

I want to be the lyricist in a dynamic duo songwriting pair for like Disney/musical theatre.

I want to write the book of a musical.

I want to go to every continent except Antarctica, which honestly doesn't really appeal to me.

I want to learn a whole bunch of languages and go on tour (or just organize one) performing songs I translated so people can hear the popular American songs in their language and actually connect with them as well as learn English better.

If that didn't happen, or even if it did, I would like to travel to orphanages around the world and bring lots of popular music to kids and teach them how to sing the songs in their language or even teach them an instrument. 

I also want to do that so I can find my perfect child to adopt.

I want to work in international relations, advising the government on how to improve policies with other countries based on my travels.

I want to have an article published in a major newspaper.

I want to write a novel that at least 500,000 people read.

I want to help people learn English so they can help preserve their culture.

I want to learn about the millions of different cultures in the world and languages.

Languages I want to know:

English

Spanish

Italian

German

French

Arabic

Mandarin

Japanese

Portuguese

Swahili

Russian

Hebrew

Vietnamese

Korean

Afrikaans

Cantonese

hmm

I should probably get going to school. I am way to easily distracted, ooo look Brittney Spears quiz!!

Say

Honestly

Tell me to speak honestly

Handle me

Can you ever handle me?

I didn't know

That anyone could ever be this way

It's time to show

Say what you say

You say you wanna fly

I say I wanna fall

You say you wanna turn around

I say I want it all

You say you wanna stay

I say I wannna go

You say you want to grab a hold

I say I want to know 

Carefully

Tell me to live carefully

Boring me

There can be a boring me?

I didn't know

That anyone could ever be this way

It's time to show

Say what you say

You say you wanna fly

I say I wanna fall

You say you wanna turn around

I say I want it all

You say you wanna stay

I say I wannna go

You say you want to grab a hold

I say I want to know

What you say, don't mean a thing

If I can't help myself not to scream

Need to hear the sound of my voice ring

Grasp a hold of my life and live my dream

You say you wanna fly

I say I wanna fall

You say you wanna turn around

I say I want it all

You say you wanna stay

I say I wannna go

You say you want to grab a hold

I say I want to know

1999

This song describes my mood right now. I know it's 2009, but this is timeless:

1999 by Prince

I was dreamin' when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray

But when I woke up this mornin'
Coulda sworn it was judgment day

The sky was all purple
There were people runnin' everywhere

Tryin' 2 run from the destruction
U know I didn't even care

'Cuz they say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999

I was dreamin' when I wrote this
So sue me if I go 2 fast

But life is just a party
And parties weren't meant 2 last

War is all around us
My mind says prepare 2 fight

So if I gotta die
I'm gonna listen 2 my body tonight

Yeah, they say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999
Yeah

Lemme tell ya somethin'
If U didn't come 2 party
Don't bother knockin' on my door
I got a lion in my pocket
And baby he's ready 2 roar

Yeah, everybody's got a bomb
We could all die any day
But before I'll let that happen
I'll dance my life away

They say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
We're runnin' outta time
So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999)

Say it 1 more time
Two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
No, no
So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999)

Alright, it's 1999
You say it, 1999
1999
1999 don't stop, don't stop, say it 1 more time

Two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
Yeah, Yeah
So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999)

Yeah, 1999
Don'tcha wanna go
Don'tcha wanna go
We could all die any day
I don't wanna die
I'd rather dance

Nervous

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm sure. I'm sure that I have to do it tomorrow. I've been sure of it for a week, so why am I so scared? I guess I don't really want to lose him, I mean, I feel like it could really work if I wasn't completely lost in this other world. I really, really need this to go as well as humanly possible, but I feel like it will be a huge shock and therefore not go well at all.

HELP ME

Not so sure

So 10 hours ago I was completely convinced that it would happen, but now I'm not so sure. High school sucks. And I hate boys, did I mention that? All this relationship bull shit just sets people up to get hurt and doesn't do anyone any good except in the few special cases where it works out.

New song.

Eyes open, eye can't see

I'm choking, I can't breathe

Sound and scented reminders

Everything I touch

Is you.

Take step back, don't move on

Just relax, just a song

And I'm lost in my own world

No one knows that it

Is you.

Do I seem like I'm living a lie?

Cuz I know every time that I try

I fall... I keep falling

I'm hiding how I feel

I'm hiding who I am

To try to stick with the norm

Try to force myself to understand

While they all work on their acceptance

While they bend for peoples differences

But my simple struggle with love

Where's the love the love the love for me

Oppression, will exist

We do it to ourselves

Everything that I do now

It is all a lie

Not you.

 

Touch my heart, don't let go

You're the first, lost control

Never thought that I'd feel this

Not this way, not now

Not you.

Do I seem like I'm living a lie?

Cuz I know every time that I try

I fall... I keep falling

I'm hiding how I feel

I'm hiding who I am

To try to stick with the norm

Try to force myself to understand

While they all work on their acceptance

While they bend for peoples differences

But my simple struggle with love

Where's the love the love the love for me

I found just what I wanted

But I was still afraid

I would lose you, break my heart

But instead the feeling deepens

It still stays

I can't let go, no

I can't let go.

Eyes open, eye can't see

I'm choking, I can't breathe

Sound and scented reminders

Everything I touch

Is you.

Sick I can post from my phone now!!!

Love

The first time I had a blog, I struggled to define what love was as I have never been "in love". Lately, however, I've realized why I'm always so resistant to proclaiming myself to be "in love". When you love someone, whether it be as a friend, family member, pet, or significant other, you allow yourself to feel the strongest of all human emotions. I have heard people say that hate is the strongest emotion, not love, but all other emotions are based on love. I'm a big fan of House, and on a recent infamous episode with a shocking death Taub says to House "you can't feel that much guilt without love" and these words rung so true in my mind. I rarely feel guilty because, as many of my friends would agree, I have no conscience to speak of, yet, the times I have felt a twinge of guilt were closely connected to love. For example, when I say something mean to my dad that I know really hurt him, I notice it and wish I could take it back because I love him so much. Similarly, recently I've realized how closely sadness and love are connected. It has been said that it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, and I tend to notice the losses. Today was the closing of my school musical and two of my favorite people in the world, Kevin and Eli, are in the pit band playing synth and flute, respectively. I was sitting on the floor of the pit handcuffed, of course, to Eli's chair with her lovely chrome from-the-sex-shop-on-colorado handcuffs and watching them play. Now these two are two of the most inspirational musicians to me and they along with some of the amazing singers in the show (Daniel, Alex, Jessica) I view with the most respect a person can possibly have for a human being only two years older than themselves. Kevin and Eli are phenomenal musicians and as I sat there watching them I realized that I wouldn't ever be able to do that again and how much I would miss them when they went off to college. I began to tear up and had to leave so I wouldn't cry in front of them outside of the designated post-show sob sesh. I hurried into a back corner of the costume room and sobbed. Now I could go on and on about each of them and how much they mean to me, but I will save that for another time. I love them so much. Kevin in a *sigh* unattainable crush/I don't care I can still love him as a friend kind of way and Eli in a you are my mentor of that class/dedicated fern patio remainders/I could be stuck on a desert island with you forever and never get tired of you because I love you kind of way. 

But, on to why this gave me a realization about love. As I said before, love is linked to all of our emotions. Love is why we cry from happiness and from emotional pain. Love is why we feel guilty beyond believe and green with envy. Love is why we unlock our handcuffs, crawl into a closet, bawl our eyes out, compose ourselves, go to a cast party, talk about how much you will miss the seniors, hug you're motivational acting teacher who only had a temporary job at the school the boy you love eternally as a friend yet suffer temporarily incurable heartache for as more than that, and return to the stage of bawling your eyes out while wondering whether the love and admiration you feel for them is worth the suffering of their leaving. Then, I realize how selfish love really is. Love is selfish because you want to have someone completely to yourself. Love is selfish because when you lose it, you bawl your eyes out wishing it would spend more time with you. Love is selfish because every day you reassure yourself that you can't actually feel it to save yourself from the inevitable pain.

On the way home, I Won't Say I'm In Love from Hercules came up on Eli's disney CD and I felt like I could call it my song looking at many aspects of my life if I had the strength to call what I have felt love.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment,

I guess I've already won that

No man is worth the aggravation

That's ancient history been there, done that.

My rotten judgement (Hercules) was Kevin. The time I already won it was in 8th grade when I liked Aubrey (a story for another time). I say, no, I won't put myself through that, its not worth it I'll just date someone else. Ancient history with Aubrey, Sam, and George!

But then my inner muses sing:

You keep on denying,

Who you are and how you're feeling

Baby we're not buying,

Hun we say you hit the ceiling

Face it like a grown up

When you gonna own up

That you got got got it bad.

These muses take many forms (Bebe, Renee, Eli, Mimi and Gigi if they were more perceptive of who they should refer to). When am I gonna own up? I don't know, but if I don't soon I'm gonna miss out on the benefits and get stuck with the sadness and regrets that comes with lost love. I don't think my heart has learned its lesson, it feels so good when I start out. My head is screaming get a grip girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out (cue popstar/gospel wailing). I'm not a grown up. My heart hasn't learned its lesson yet. Hopefully soon it will!