Trust

I'm posting because I love you.

I'm posting because I trust you.

I'm posting because I want to to let you in.

I'm posting because I'd do anything for you.

forever

Tickets

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Name of Attendee

My mom.

I don't know if I've ever posted about my mother on here before, but I would like to now since I feel like my relationship with her is a big part of who I am today.

I'm not going to spill any family secrets or stories, good or bad. This is the internet and while I know most people don't read this I'm not comfortable saying anything that isn't mostly about me.

It's difficult to have a mom who doesn't understand you. One who doesn't truly know who you are. My mom understands what makes me unspeakably angry, but not what will make me smile for hours. For every meaningful mother-daughter conversation we have, there are 5 meaningful fights.

I completely understand how difficult, frustrating, and stressful her life has been and continues to be. But she is the reason that I'm afraid to have children. I love kids, don't get me wrong. In fact, I'm one of those girls who sees toddler/baby/preschooler and swoons. The reason why I love the idea of being a mom is the unconditional love I see that these little kids have for their parents. Yet, I know that I will be focused on my career, like my mom, and won't have enough time for my kids. And what if my husband isn't willing to stay at home, or what if I never get married? My children will spend their lives, like me, wishing that their mother prioritized them more.

My mom and I have different priorities. I want to be a prominent person in the music industry. I want to be the woman that you must impress. The woman with the power to crush your dreams, or catapult you to fame and fortune. I want to find the best in people's art and share wonderful music with the world. I get an adrenaline rush not only from being on stage but also from planning a concert and watching the people I helped succeed. My mom has a 9-5 job, cares about what the society women of NCL think of her, and wants me to look nice and get into a college she can pay for.

I got yelled at today during dinner for rehearsing for an audition, doing PR for a band I'm interning for, and writing music instead of studying for my SAT subject tests I'm retaking to attempt to surpass the elusive 700 mark in order to get into my dream school. Then she goes on to complain about how I forgot to give her a message and therefore she will not be able to pay for my dream school. If I keep screwing up like this, I'll end up at PCC.

I am a motivated human being. I am 17 years old and I already know what I want to do with my life. I found what my dream is and I'm not afraid to go after it. Home is supposed to be the safe, nurturing place, but mine just tells me that I'll never make it because I'm just not good enough.


I am.


Dear Mom,

The dreams I have now that you don't think I'll achieve since I have the work ethic of my father when it comes to studying for standardized tests and school assignments I think are pointless will come true. In 10 years time I will be making it in the music industry, helping other people realize their dreams. Don't worry. I forgive you for not believing in me.

Love, Daughter.

Secret

I have a secret desire

It burns in my heart like a fire

Love always just seems like a game

Except when you're saying my name

I have a secret wish

Something I don't like to dish

I don't know if what's normal is true

But it doesn't apply to you

I have a secret dream

Involving a powerful team

It's a life not expected by me

Someday, maybe we'll see

I have a secret whim

A plan that will sink or swm

If I make it to my island

I'll recite my rehearsed demand

Trust

You know what?

I just have trust issues in general. It's true. Not in the normal way where I can't trust others with details of my life, but in the way that I can't stand to think that other people don't trust me.

People (in the particular order my brain spit them out):

a) A constant cycle like a wheel. I always feel like we're about to reach the point where he will finally just let me into his life and I can be his friend for real. The ferris wheel operator pauses the wheel at the top, expecting to see the seat swinging back and forth, but, instead, it stills. That moment we always have after I ask you to let me in and you are silent. Or maybe you say "read my blog." Then Mr. Ferris Wheel operator restarts the grand contraption and we fall back down to where we started, only to attempt to reach that point again.

b) You trust me more than I deserved. I used your trust against you. Well, I guess. I promised you from the bottom of my heart that I would let you do as you wished, but I didn't. Happy?

c) I already wrote about you. I need your trust. When you're in love with someone, you need their trust to survive.

d) I didn't tell you when it happened. I don't think you'll ever understand why because I sure as hell don't. You're one of my best friends and I've always trusted you and you've trusted me. SO why did I still fail?

e) I yelled at you for keeping secrets from me, yet when my life has changed, I never told you. You don't know, but I'm sorry.

f) Same thing. Minus yelling.

g) I don't deserve your trust. I breach it all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me.

h) I beg you constantly to trust me under false pretenses. AND I NEVER FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. That's a terrible thing. My life would be a hell of a lot more boring right now, but probably healthier if I did do what you thought I did.

i) Mutual. Trust.

j) not. so. mutual.

Past

You'd think after only 17 years on earth no one would have enough past to "live in."

You'd think that after being with someone for almost 8 months of those 17 years one would be able to accept what happened before you met.

You'd think that no one would tell someone the last thing they want to hear while they are 3000 miles away.

Well, I guess the last one makes sense.

Living in the past leads to nothing positive. I've seen it trap a young girl's heart, destroy a mother daughter relationship, and even push a boy to the edge only to be rescued by his future.

I'm not going to be able to last very long if you live like this. I thought we were to the point where you had accepted my past and trusted me enough to live our lives. I need you to trust me and if you don't I need you to tell me how I can make you trust me otherwise I don't want to be in a relationship.

I love you. I'm not going to stop loving you any time soon, but I can't be with you if you don't trust me. If it would make you more comfortable to change the way our relationship is, that's fine, but I will not be your girlfriend if you don't trust me. That's just the way it works.

I love you. But you have until the 9 month mark do decide whether or not you trust me, or to explain to me what needs to be done so you can.

choir piece

So i'm writing a choir piece write now. Here are they lyrics :)

Sop solo

How could I have known you’d be the one to make it right

The one I could have lost had I not had the chance that night

The path that could result from losing everything I had

Will never see the light of day and please know I am glad

Choir

The world is turning

Our lives spent learning

Never knowing if these promises will ever be made true

Grasping holds to make ourselves feel strong

Losing all the things we took for granted, that we knew

Wond’ringif the darkness fades to show where we belong.

B Solo

See me here outside your window wishing to renew

We had the world in our arms yet the fairy tale’s not true

Pushed me away and can I say I did everything I can

The greatest force of love couldn’t keep us where we began

Choir (same thing)

Duet with S & B

I cry out to you

You made my dreams come true

You helped me to believe in love

What tricks they play in heav’n above

To tear our worlds apart

You always will be in my heart

Choir (same thing with sick soloish stuff in it)

Nicholas

You said you liked my lyrics. They're supposed to be inspirational. Every song I write is supposed to give the message that you can still keep going no matter what. Didn't I tell you a million times that if all else fails just change your name and move to another state? It's hard for me to be sad when you didn't listen to me. It's hard for me to be sad when I don't know whether the third time was the charm.

Revelations.

I learned a lot about myself this weekend. Nothing really drastic occurred, but I managed to have mini-revelations all weekend long.

Including the revelation that I don't really have time to be writing about my revelations...

So instead of providing my non-existent readers with a list of New Years Resolutions, deep thoughts about who I am as a person, and the new song lyrics I was inspired to write, I will list the shit I have to get done tonight.

1) Finish studying for my biology test.

2) Study for my Calculus test

3) Do my English Reading

4) Write about Jonathan Edwards

5) Go to sleep.

Actually, that doesn't sound all that bad. 'cept for that 2 tests tomorrow bullshit.

Popstation

Hey so if you get a chance please check out my popstation page: http://www.popstation.com/users/view/2409

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Here's a press release regarding Popstation and my singer/songwriter/lawyer friend, Michal Towber :)