Secret

I have a secret desire

It burns in my heart like a fire

Love always just seems like a game

Except when you're saying my name

I have a secret wish

Something I don't like to dish

I don't know if what's normal is true

But it doesn't apply to you

I have a secret dream

Involving a powerful team

It's a life not expected by me

Someday, maybe we'll see

I have a secret whim

A plan that will sink or swm

If I make it to my island

I'll recite my rehearsed demand

Trust

You know what?

I just have trust issues in general. It's true. Not in the normal way where I can't trust others with details of my life, but in the way that I can't stand to think that other people don't trust me.

People (in the particular order my brain spit them out):

a) A constant cycle like a wheel. I always feel like we're about to reach the point where he will finally just let me into his life and I can be his friend for real. The ferris wheel operator pauses the wheel at the top, expecting to see the seat swinging back and forth, but, instead, it stills. That moment we always have after I ask you to let me in and you are silent. Or maybe you say "read my blog." Then Mr. Ferris Wheel operator restarts the grand contraption and we fall back down to where we started, only to attempt to reach that point again.

b) You trust me more than I deserved. I used your trust against you. Well, I guess. I promised you from the bottom of my heart that I would let you do as you wished, but I didn't. Happy?

c) I already wrote about you. I need your trust. When you're in love with someone, you need their trust to survive.

d) I didn't tell you when it happened. I don't think you'll ever understand why because I sure as hell don't. You're one of my best friends and I've always trusted you and you've trusted me. SO why did I still fail?

e) I yelled at you for keeping secrets from me, yet when my life has changed, I never told you. You don't know, but I'm sorry.

f) Same thing. Minus yelling.

g) I don't deserve your trust. I breach it all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me.

h) I beg you constantly to trust me under false pretenses. AND I NEVER FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. That's a terrible thing. My life would be a hell of a lot more boring right now, but probably healthier if I did do what you thought I did.

i) Mutual. Trust.

j) not. so. mutual.

Past

You'd think after only 17 years on earth no one would have enough past to "live in."

You'd think that after being with someone for almost 8 months of those 17 years one would be able to accept what happened before you met.

You'd think that no one would tell someone the last thing they want to hear while they are 3000 miles away.

Well, I guess the last one makes sense.

Living in the past leads to nothing positive. I've seen it trap a young girl's heart, destroy a mother daughter relationship, and even push a boy to the edge only to be rescued by his future.

I'm not going to be able to last very long if you live like this. I thought we were to the point where you had accepted my past and trusted me enough to live our lives. I need you to trust me and if you don't I need you to tell me how I can make you trust me otherwise I don't want to be in a relationship.

I love you. I'm not going to stop loving you any time soon, but I can't be with you if you don't trust me. If it would make you more comfortable to change the way our relationship is, that's fine, but I will not be your girlfriend if you don't trust me. That's just the way it works.

I love you. But you have until the 9 month mark do decide whether or not you trust me, or to explain to me what needs to be done so you can.