Love

The first time I had a blog, I struggled to define what love was as I have never been "in love". Lately, however, I've realized why I'm always so resistant to proclaiming myself to be "in love". When you love someone, whether it be as a friend, family member, pet, or significant other, you allow yourself to feel the strongest of all human emotions. I have heard people say that hate is the strongest emotion, not love, but all other emotions are based on love. I'm a big fan of House, and on a recent infamous episode with a shocking death Taub says to House "you can't feel that much guilt without love" and these words rung so true in my mind. I rarely feel guilty because, as many of my friends would agree, I have no conscience to speak of, yet, the times I have felt a twinge of guilt were closely connected to love. For example, when I say something mean to my dad that I know really hurt him, I notice it and wish I could take it back because I love him so much. Similarly, recently I've realized how closely sadness and love are connected. It has been said that it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, and I tend to notice the losses. Today was the closing of my school musical and two of my favorite people in the world, Kevin and Eli, are in the pit band playing synth and flute, respectively. I was sitting on the floor of the pit handcuffed, of course, to Eli's chair with her lovely chrome from-the-sex-shop-on-colorado handcuffs and watching them play. Now these two are two of the most inspirational musicians to me and they along with some of the amazing singers in the show (Daniel, Alex, Jessica) I view with the most respect a person can possibly have for a human being only two years older than themselves. Kevin and Eli are phenomenal musicians and as I sat there watching them I realized that I wouldn't ever be able to do that again and how much I would miss them when they went off to college. I began to tear up and had to leave so I wouldn't cry in front of them outside of the designated post-show sob sesh. I hurried into a back corner of the costume room and sobbed. Now I could go on and on about each of them and how much they mean to me, but I will save that for another time. I love them so much. Kevin in a *sigh* unattainable crush/I don't care I can still love him as a friend kind of way and Eli in a you are my mentor of that class/dedicated fern patio remainders/I could be stuck on a desert island with you forever and never get tired of you because I love you kind of way. 

But, on to why this gave me a realization about love. As I said before, love is linked to all of our emotions. Love is why we cry from happiness and from emotional pain. Love is why we feel guilty beyond believe and green with envy. Love is why we unlock our handcuffs, crawl into a closet, bawl our eyes out, compose ourselves, go to a cast party, talk about how much you will miss the seniors, hug you're motivational acting teacher who only had a temporary job at the school the boy you love eternally as a friend yet suffer temporarily incurable heartache for as more than that, and return to the stage of bawling your eyes out while wondering whether the love and admiration you feel for them is worth the suffering of their leaving. Then, I realize how selfish love really is. Love is selfish because you want to have someone completely to yourself. Love is selfish because when you lose it, you bawl your eyes out wishing it would spend more time with you. Love is selfish because every day you reassure yourself that you can't actually feel it to save yourself from the inevitable pain.

On the way home, I Won't Say I'm In Love from Hercules came up on Eli's disney CD and I felt like I could call it my song looking at many aspects of my life if I had the strength to call what I have felt love.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment,

I guess I've already won that

No man is worth the aggravation

That's ancient history been there, done that.

My rotten judgement (Hercules) was Kevin. The time I already won it was in 8th grade when I liked Aubrey (a story for another time). I say, no, I won't put myself through that, its not worth it I'll just date someone else. Ancient history with Aubrey, Sam, and George!

But then my inner muses sing:

You keep on denying,

Who you are and how you're feeling

Baby we're not buying,

Hun we say you hit the ceiling

Face it like a grown up

When you gonna own up

That you got got got it bad.

These muses take many forms (Bebe, Renee, Eli, Mimi and Gigi if they were more perceptive of who they should refer to). When am I gonna own up? I don't know, but if I don't soon I'm gonna miss out on the benefits and get stuck with the sadness and regrets that comes with lost love. I don't think my heart has learned its lesson, it feels so good when I start out. My head is screaming get a grip girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out (cue popstar/gospel wailing). I'm not a grown up. My heart hasn't learned its lesson yet. Hopefully soon it will!