Feels like the First time

Ok, so I'm aware what I'm about to say might make me sound like a slut, but I'm saying it in the best of all possible ways (Candide reference *cough* *cough*). Don't you feel like when you're someone else's first time you get to have a new first time for yourself? I'm not just talking about sex, of course, but like even a first kiss. The nervousness that surrounds it and the smile that slowly breaks it is so surreal in that no matter how good or bad your first kiss was, this other person who you now want to be with more than your first is experiencing this for the first time and you want them to remember it forever, and, in some cases, you will too. I guess it's the same idea as when my little sister sees a movie and loves it and immediately wants to watch it with someone else to see their reaction. When my daughter (if I have kids, fill in the blank niece maybe) asks me about my first kiss, I'm not going to disappoint her. I mean, my first kiss was good but I wasn't like overwhelmingly happy about being with this guy. So, maybe I'll tell her the story of this 'first kiss':

I can't really pin point a day that we were "together." I guess it must have been the night at one of our mutual friend's house where we held hands for the third time while watching "Happy Gillmore" and "I am Legend." The following week was spring break, but when we returned suddenly I would be talking to friends and he'd come up behind me to give me a hug and it was really, really sweet. I tried to spend as much time as I possibly could with him, but when we were sitting together in a way that normally I would just start making out with the guy (you know, holding hands, his arm around me, sitting on a bench on the fern patio, one of my favorite places on the campus) I think I was the one avoiding it. I was nervous! Me! I wanted it to be perfect. The next day I was determined to be more open to the idea. We went to the park across the street and sat together and looked at the trees and flowers. I swear to you, in those two days there were about 30 different moments that would have been good for a kiss, but, of course, good things come to those who wait (see the morals I threw in!). The wind wasn't helping the situation, I didn't want him to get a mouthful of hair. So I kept pulling it back hoping the right moment would come each time I did. And it did. Our lips touched. A brief pause, then I lean back into him, longer this time. I pull back and smile. I was so focused on containing myself and not at all accidentally pointing out the extreme gap in experience which I don't care about but I'm always worried the other person will. Anyways, we went back to school and after a long time of wasting time we ended up on the same bench we had been on the day before. It happened again. Once on the bench and, again, standing up a minute after. 

Many of my friends say this will be good for me. It's been a long time since I've been in  an actual relationship and the phrase "committed relationship" is a foreign concept in my vocabulary. I've cheated on 5 people. I seem not to learn from my mistakes but I want this to work so bad that maybe I can work through whatever it is that is keeping my conscience quiet and be happy, for real this time.